the last haikumarai

Well this was a fun experiment but I just don't got the drive to keep this puppy going. Thanks to everybody who enjoyed and commented! Keep the dream alive!

vote yes on "end awkward conversations NOW!"

i don't know your name
yet you're listing your ailments
i'm not seventy

oh johnny!

i once killed a man...
wait that wasn't me at all
it was johnny cash

must be cheap

when you name your 'hood
and someone says "must be cheap"
yes, you can punch them

several times a day

sometimes work's so dull
i just sit on the toilet
for a change of pace

hookers and blow

if i win money
in a radio contest--
hookers and blow, man

how i learned to love ladytron

there's nothing better
than when a friend with good taste
gives a mix cd

stupid conscience

man, being mature
is such a pain in the ass
wish i was petty

life rule #6

you will always spend
two hundred dollars more than
you make in a month

life rule #43

when all you can say
is something about weather
it means you're not friends

it also proves how boring it is here (for sharkaria)

setting the music
to be loud but not too loud
is the height of zen

your day in 5 easy steps

arrive at work late
browse web, take two hour-lunch
leave early, don't care

i know what your stupid voice means

a fake cheery voice
does not cancel out or hide
your assholery

transitive thought process

smells like pizza hut
i really want pizza hut
i am a fat whore

weird ass food (um, literally)

if i ate flank stank
i would be eating butt, right?
that's kinda jank, yo

BONUS: the easiest contest ever!

link to this site and
get your very own haiku!
choose your own subject!

all you have to do:
leave a comment with your site
and haiku topic

pterodactyl

i would prefer a
seeing-eye pterodactyl--
screw walking around!

atkins

stop talking 'bout carbs
unless you want a bread loaf
shoved down your gullet

friday-in-post: just perfect

no, don't be silly
of course i don't want sun on
my beach vacation!

thursday-in-advance: gasoline

ever want to douse
your whole desk in gasoline
and never come back?

vigilante justice

why are you so slow
you take up the whole stairway
i need a crowbar

yuppie + hippie

SUV drivers
who do yoga and buy soy--
are they called yippies?

so many pretty people

some folks at the beach
make me wish near-nudity
was always okay

the sun, she mocks us

working on fridays
in the middle of summer
is worse than prison

really, can YOU tell the difference?

shakira singing
or an electrified trout--
they're identical

the darker the better

good god chocolate
how did you get so sexy?
i want to lick you

crocs

crocs: ugly footwear
or the ugliest footwear?
(no other options)

dear bloggers,

if you have a kid
blog about it sparingly
cuz nobody cares

addict

why bother with drugs
when naps are totally free
and satisfying

let's be honest

bravo to starbucks:
making it okay to drink
a daily milkshake

deuce it up elsewhere

we have one bathroom
that means no number twos when
i need to shower

4th

independence day:
blow shit up and get wasted.
yay america!

a fine recipe

roommate mojitos:
sunkist, vodka, beer, spinach
yes, i said spinach

don't get all science-y on me

does sweat have a point?
it just makes us all feel gross.
join in: veto sweat!

apparently i sent this memo out

hi, i'm a deadline!
even though i'm absolute,
just ignore me. please.

on a good day, at least

thanks to subway trains
i can now travel barely
faster than walking

my speech seems to be impaired as well

sure i'll have a drink
oh look i seem to have lost
all fine motor skills

and i wouldn't even need a saddle

if i had a dog
he'd be big, tough, and smart and
i'd ride him to work

what i wish every conversation was like

"what you wearing, girl?"
"the same thing as yesterday."
"girl, you be a ho!"

mind-blowing ignorance and lack of self-awareness

japanese culture
is pretty cool, but too bad
they don't write poems

(s)he

tivo thinks i'd like
transsexual modeling
it knows me so well!

for these purposes, wednesday is two syllables

i'm in miami
for a little vacation
be back on wednesday!

keep it moving

please eat more fiber
to keep a healthy diet
(plus you're kinda fat)

music for torching

let's burn the house down
hold me while i light the match
do me in the flames

at least i wasn't hit in the head with a flask

of note this weekend:
a stranger bit my nipples
eh, all in a day

but NO, i just had to learn tap instead!

if i could breakdance
i could finally afford
college for my kids

*cough cough*

late to work today
i hate pretending i'm sick
but man i am tired

fucking rain

i hate you, weather
i hate you and your ass-face
ENOUGH WITH THE RAIN!

venti soy chai latte

good urban dwellers,
worship at your god's altar,
almighty starbucks!

it keeps our hormones in a healthy wild swing

i don't know why but
we break glasses constantly
must be the 'roid rage

confucius say

a man with a purse
is more manly than a man
with bulbous pockets

USB is not really "universal"

PC problems suck.
way to make me feel useless,
microsoft windows

traitor

i'm lame, but i like
nickelback's new video
that shit is creepy

hummus

what would it be like
if there were no more hippies?
answer: no hummus

the trifecta

finally, summer
finally, sun and t-shirts
finally, pit stains

so true

if i had boobies
i would have to shave my chest
or else i'd look gross

spring fashion

i'm wearing headphones
but no music is playing
bit odd, don't you think?

you should see her dance

so, the gray-haired dude
won american idol
next up: bea arthur

lord of the cubes

why's it so quiet?
oh that's right, in this office
work is optional

to be honest, yes.

striped, shiny, and blue
is it so wrong that i want
to wear a tracksuit?

hell yes

invisible joy
weaves itself into my soul
i love you caffeine

maybe it's a euphemism

how much applesauce
would it take to fill my tub?
a lot, that's how much

i don't know, i guess i'm implying ill health?

for some reason i
want to sing today's haiku
la la cough hack spew

i can't believe i don't shut up

party's not over
till i say something highly
inappropriate

i'm calling to inform you i now work part-time

the alarm clock rings
well, at least it's supposed to
it didn't today

35mm digital camera

it's self-evident
but people can be stupid
so goddamn stupid

you know exactly what i'm talking about

i want to just sleep
and sleep and sleep and sleep and
sleep and sleep some more

this is why the word "deluge" exists

oh, is it raining?
i was too busy drowning
to notice the floods

4:59 a.m.

thanks, cat, for yelling!
so this is what dawn looks like?
i had no idea!

testicle is only 3 syllables

pop quiz: guess which word
can fill a whole haiku line:
ejaculation!

it's because a lot of them are crap

there's a reason why
magazines make for perfect
#2 reading

logorrhea

say hi to strangers
if you're lucky, one won't care
that you don't shut up

budget living

money-saving tip:
always let other people
pay for your dinner

no, i'm not just happy to see you

in fact that is a
banana in my pocket
don't be so vulgar

seriously, dress faster

please, enough with the
naked old men hanging out
in the locker room

can i get a witness!

frosted mini-wheats:
god's divine gift to mankind?
the answer: hell yes!

park this

thanks for the ticket
street sweeping is important
oh, and please SUCK IT

makes me want an SUV

hippies cheese me off
with the patchouli and dreads
take a shower, punks

loudmouth

if i was a cat
i would say meow a lot
see: meow meow!

apartment hunting

i want a nice place
so bad i'm considering
taking up hooking

even the ones with the dotted lines

family circus
comics are as funny as
this stupid haiku

true style mavericks

hello boston clone
button-down shirt and short hair?
how original!

this means you, colombo

dear yogurt makers:
stop making yogurt so sweet
my teeth are rotting

no holy water jokes

i work for a church
but i am an atheist
oh, hilarity!

not that i'm bitter or anything

why don't people write
testimonials for me?
i wrote you one, bitch.

i do want you, baby

i spent two hours
on iTunes - can't believe i
forgot human league

i wanna be the papa, you can be the mom (oh oh!)

what the hell happened?
i'm rocking out to sean paul?
am i going deaf?

no bon jovi please

i give in you guys
80s music is awesome
(except hair metal)

get out of my cube

honestly i just
don't care about your weekend
fellow employee

chocolate silk

oh chocolate silk
you are delicious, although
you make me gassy

hard

sometimes haikus are
hard to write and you get all
of the line breaks wrong

sloth in a box!

new: sloth in a box!
fifty bucks or best offer
this deal won't last long!

introduction

this here blog contains
a bunch of stupid haikus
i hope you enjoy