Stupid Haikus

the last haikumarai

2006-08-20T14:32:00.000-04:00

Well this was a fun experiment but I just don't got the drive to keep this puppy going. Thanks to everybody who enjoyed and commented! Keep the dream alive!

vote yes on "end awkward conversations NOW!"

2006-08-14T11:42:00.000-04:00

i don't know your name
yet you're listing your ailments
i'm not seventy

oh johnny!

2006-08-11T10:44:00.000-04:00

i once killed a man...
wait that wasn't me at all
it was johnny cash

must be cheap

2006-08-10T10:24:00.000-04:00

when you name your 'hood
and someone says "must be cheap"
yes, you can punch them

several times a day

2006-08-09T10:35:00.000-04:00

sometimes work's so dull
i just sit on the toilet
for a change of pace

hookers and blow

2006-08-08T10:54:00.000-04:00

if i win money
in a radio contest--
hookers and blow, man

how i learned to love ladytron

2006-08-07T12:36:00.000-04:00

there's nothing better
than when a friend with good taste
gives a mix cd

stupid conscience

2006-08-04T17:21:00.000-04:00

man, being mature
is such a pain in the ass
wish i was petty

life rule #6

2006-08-03T17:59:00.000-04:00

you will always spend
two hundred dollars more than
you make in a month

life rule #43

2006-08-02T13:32:00.000-04:00

when all you can say
is something about weather
it means you're not friends

it also proves how boring it is here (for sharkaria)

2006-08-01T11:01:00.000-04:00

setting the music
to be loud but not too loud
is the height of zen

your day in 5 easy steps

2006-07-31T09:51:00.000-04:00

arrive at work late
browse web, take two hour-lunch
leave early, don't care

i know what your stupid voice means

2006-07-28T09:55:00.000-04:00

a fake cheery voice
does not cancel out or hide
your assholery

transitive thought process

2006-07-27T13:41:00.000-04:00

smells like pizza hut
i really want pizza hut
i am a fat whore

weird ass food (um, literally)

2006-07-26T14:57:00.000-04:00

if i ate flank stank
i would be eating butt, right?
that's kinda jank, yo

BONUS: the easiest contest ever!

2006-07-25T19:30:00.000-04:00

link to this site and
get your very own haiku!
choose your own subject!

all you have to do:
leave a comment with your site
and haiku topic

pterodactyl

2006-07-25T10:16:00.000-04:00

i would prefer a
seeing-eye pterodactyl--
screw walking around!

atkins

2006-07-24T12:24:00.000-04:00

stop talking 'bout carbs
unless you want a bread loaf
shoved down your gullet

friday-in-post: just perfect

2006-07-24T10:32:00.000-04:00

no, don't be silly
of course i don't want sun on
my beach vacation!

thursday-in-advance: gasoline

2006-07-19T10:17:00.000-04:00

ever want to douse
your whole desk in gasoline
and never come back?

vigilante justice

2006-07-19T10:09:00.000-04:00

why are you so slow
you take up the whole stairway
i need a crowbar

yuppie + hippie

2006-07-18T11:36:00.000-04:00

SUV drivers
who do yoga and buy soy--
are they called yippies?

so many pretty people

2006-07-17T09:54:00.000-04:00

some folks at the beach
make me wish near-nudity
was always okay

the sun, she mocks us

2006-07-14T12:33:00.000-04:00

working on fridays
in the middle of summer
is worse than prison

really, can YOU tell the difference?

2006-07-13T11:28:00.000-04:00

shakira singing
or an electrified trout--
they're identical

the darker the better

2006-07-12T09:54:00.000-04:00

good god chocolate
how did you get so sexy?
i want to lick you

crocs

2006-07-11T09:47:00.000-04:00

crocs: ugly footwear
or the ugliest footwear?
(no other options)

dear bloggers,

2006-07-10T10:14:00.000-04:00

if you have a kid
blog about it sparingly
cuz nobody cares

addict

2006-07-07T12:05:00.000-04:00

why bother with drugs
when naps are totally free
and satisfying

let's be honest

2006-07-06T09:43:00.000-04:00

bravo to starbucks:
making it okay to drink
a daily milkshake

deuce it up elsewhere

2006-07-05T09:59:00.000-04:00

we have one bathroom
that means no number twos when
i need to shower

4th

2006-07-04T12:34:00.000-04:00

independence day:
blow shit up and get wasted.
yay america!

a fine recipe

2006-07-03T16:26:00.000-04:00

roommate mojitos:
sunkist, vodka, beer, spinach
yes, i said spinach

don't get all science-y on me

2006-06-30T10:18:00.000-04:00

does sweat have a point?
it just makes us all feel gross.
join in: veto sweat!

apparently i sent this memo out

2006-06-29T09:49:00.000-04:00

hi, i'm a deadline!
even though i'm absolute,
just ignore me. please.

on a good day, at least

2006-06-28T11:51:00.000-04:00

thanks to subway trains
i can now travel barely
faster than walking

my speech seems to be impaired as well

2006-06-27T09:47:00.000-04:00

sure i'll have a drink
oh look i seem to have lost
all fine motor skills

and i wouldn't even need a saddle

2006-06-26T10:33:00.000-04:00

if i had a dog
he'd be big, tough, and smart and
i'd ride him to work

what i wish every conversation was like

2006-06-23T15:23:00.000-04:00

"what you wearing, girl?"
"the same thing as yesterday."
"girl, you be a ho!"

mind-blowing ignorance and lack of self-awareness

2006-06-22T13:46:00.000-04:00

japanese culture
is pretty cool, but too bad
they don't write poems

(s)he

2006-06-21T13:06:00.000-04:00

tivo thinks i'd like
transsexual modeling
it knows me so well!

for these purposes, wednesday is two syllables

2006-06-16T21:24:00.000-04:00

i'm in miami
for a little vacation
be back on wednesday!

keep it moving

2006-06-14T10:33:00.000-04:00

please eat more fiber
to keep a healthy diet
(plus you're kinda fat)

music for torching

2006-06-13T09:59:00.000-04:00

let's burn the house down
hold me while i light the match
do me in the flames

at least i wasn't hit in the head with a flask

2006-06-12T09:44:00.000-04:00

of note this weekend:
a stranger bit my nipples
eh, all in a day

but NO, i just had to learn tap instead!

2006-06-09T10:09:00.000-04:00

if i could breakdance
i could finally afford
college for my kids

cough cough

2006-06-08T19:04:00.000-04:00

late to work today
i hate pretending i'm sick
but man i am tired

fucking rain

2006-06-07T09:45:00.000-04:00

i hate you, weather
i hate you and your ass-face
ENOUGH WITH THE RAIN!

venti soy chai latte

2006-06-06T10:22:00.000-04:00

good urban dwellers,
worship at your god's altar,
almighty starbucks!

it keeps our hormones in a healthy wild swing

2006-06-05T10:27:00.000-04:00

i don't know why but
we break glasses constantly
must be the 'roid rage

confucius say

2006-06-02T09:51:00.000-04:00

a man with a purse
is more manly than a man
with bulbous pockets

USB is not really "universal"

2006-06-01T10:57:00.000-04:00

PC problems suck.
way to make me feel useless,
microsoft windows

traitor

2006-05-31T11:27:00.000-04:00

i'm lame, but i like
nickelback's new video
that shit is creepy

hummus

2006-05-30T09:34:00.000-04:00

what would it be like
if there were no more hippies?
answer: no hummus

the trifecta

2006-05-28T19:33:00.000-04:00

finally, summer
finally, sun and t-shirts
finally, pit stains

so true

2006-05-27T21:07:00.000-04:00

if i had boobies
i would have to shave my chest
or else i'd look gross

spring fashion

2006-05-26T01:36:00.000-04:00

i'm wearing headphones
but no music is playing
bit odd, don't you think?

you should see her dance

2006-05-25T09:40:00.000-04:00

so, the gray-haired dude
won american idol
next up: bea arthur

lord of the cubes

2006-05-24T15:30:00.000-04:00

why's it so quiet?
oh that's right, in this office
work is optional

to be honest, yes.

2006-05-23T10:44:00.000-04:00

striped, shiny, and blue
is it so wrong that i want
to wear a tracksuit?

hell yes

2006-05-22T10:07:00.000-04:00

invisible joy
weaves itself into my soul
i love you caffeine

maybe it's a euphemism

2006-05-21T19:08:00.000-04:00

how much applesauce
would it take to fill my tub?
a lot, that's how much

i don't know, i guess i'm implying ill health?

2006-05-20T13:52:00.000-04:00

for some reason i
want to sing today's haiku
la la cough hack spew

i can't believe i don't shut up

2006-05-19T09:57:00.000-04:00

party's not over
till i say something highly
inappropriate

i'm calling to inform you i now work part-time

2006-05-18T12:02:00.000-04:00

the alarm clock rings
well, at least it's supposed to
it didn't today

35mm digital camera

2006-05-17T12:51:00.000-04:00

it's self-evident
but people can be stupid
so goddamn stupid

you know exactly what i'm talking about

2006-05-16T00:43:00.000-04:00

i want to just sleep
and sleep and sleep and sleep and
sleep and sleep some more

this is why the word "deluge" exists

2006-05-15T11:25:00.000-04:00

oh, is it raining?
i was too busy drowning
to notice the floods

4:59 a.m.

2006-05-14T19:04:00.000-04:00

thanks, cat, for yelling!
so this is what dawn looks like?
i had no idea!

testicle is only 3 syllables

2006-05-13T01:26:00.000-04:00

pop quiz: guess which word
can fill a whole haiku line:
ejaculation!

it's because a lot of them are crap

2006-05-12T09:59:00.000-04:00

there's a reason why
magazines make for perfect
#2 reading

logorrhea

2006-05-11T12:27:00.000-04:00

say hi to strangers
if you're lucky, one won't care
that you don't shut up

budget living

2006-05-10T12:05:00.000-04:00

money-saving tip:
always let other people
pay for your dinner

no, i'm not just happy to see you

2006-05-09T12:28:00.000-04:00

in fact that is a
banana in my pocket
don't be so vulgar

seriously, dress faster

2006-05-08T15:26:00.000-04:00

please, enough with the
naked old men hanging out
in the locker room

can i get a witness!

2006-05-07T22:36:00.000-04:00

frosted mini-wheats:
god's divine gift to mankind?
the answer: hell yes!

park this

2006-05-06T14:08:00.000-04:00

thanks for the ticket
street sweeping is important
oh, and please SUCK IT

makes me want an SUV

2006-05-05T14:37:00.000-04:00

hippies cheese me off
with the patchouli and dreads
take a shower, punks

loudmouth

2006-05-05T14:26:00.000-04:00

if i was a cat
i would say meow a lot
see: meow meow!

apartment hunting

2006-05-04T14:38:00.000-04:00

i want a nice place
so bad i'm considering
taking up hooking

even the ones with the dotted lines

2006-05-04T14:34:00.000-04:00

family circus
comics are as funny as
this stupid haiku

true style mavericks

2006-05-04T09:33:00.000-04:00

hello boston clone
button-down shirt and short hair?
how original!

this means you, colombo

2006-05-03T15:31:00.000-04:00

dear yogurt makers:
stop making yogurt so sweet
my teeth are rotting

no holy water jokes

2006-05-02T16:22:00.000-04:00

i work for a church
but i am an atheist
oh, hilarity!

not that i'm bitter or anything

2006-05-02T16:20:00.000-04:00

why don't people write
testimonials for me?
i wrote you one, bitch.

i do want you, baby

2006-05-02T10:08:00.000-04:00

i spent two hours
on iTunes - can't believe i
forgot human league

i wanna be the papa, you can be the mom (oh oh!)

2006-05-01T23:27:00.000-04:00

what the hell happened?
i'm rocking out to sean paul?
am i going deaf?

no bon jovi please

2006-05-01T23:21:00.000-04:00

i give in you guys
80s music is awesome
(except hair metal)

get out of my cube

2006-05-01T15:58:00.001-04:00

honestly i just
don't care about your weekend
fellow employee

chocolate silk

2006-05-01T15:58:00.000-04:00

oh chocolate silk
you are delicious, although
you make me gassy

hard

2006-05-01T15:57:00.001-04:00

sometimes haikus are
hard to write and you get all
of the line breaks wrong

sloth in a box!

2006-05-01T15:57:00.000-04:00

new: sloth in a box!
fifty bucks or best offer
this deal won't last long!

introduction

2006-05-01T15:55:00.000-04:00

this here blog contains
a bunch of stupid haikus
i hope you enjoy