your day in 5 easy steps

arrive at work late
browse web, take two hour-lunch
leave early, don't care

i know what your stupid voice means

a fake cheery voice
does not cancel out or hide
your assholery

transitive thought process

smells like pizza hut
i really want pizza hut
i am a fat whore

weird ass food (um, literally)

if i ate flank stank
i would be eating butt, right?
that's kinda jank, yo

BONUS: the easiest contest ever!

link to this site and
get your very own haiku!
choose your own subject!

all you have to do:
leave a comment with your site
and haiku topic

pterodactyl

i would prefer a
seeing-eye pterodactyl--
screw walking around!

atkins

stop talking 'bout carbs
unless you want a bread loaf
shoved down your gullet

friday-in-post: just perfect

no, don't be silly
of course i don't want sun on
my beach vacation!

thursday-in-advance: gasoline

ever want to douse
your whole desk in gasoline
and never come back?

vigilante justice

why are you so slow
you take up the whole stairway
i need a crowbar

yuppie + hippie

SUV drivers
who do yoga and buy soy--
are they called yippies?

so many pretty people

some folks at the beach
make me wish near-nudity
was always okay

the sun, she mocks us

working on fridays
in the middle of summer
is worse than prison

really, can YOU tell the difference?

shakira singing
or an electrified trout--
they're identical

the darker the better

good god chocolate
how did you get so sexy?
i want to lick you

crocs

crocs: ugly footwear
or the ugliest footwear?
(no other options)

dear bloggers,

if you have a kid
blog about it sparingly
cuz nobody cares

addict

why bother with drugs
when naps are totally free
and satisfying

let's be honest

bravo to starbucks:
making it okay to drink
a daily milkshake

deuce it up elsewhere

we have one bathroom
that means no number twos when
i need to shower

4th

independence day:
blow shit up and get wasted.
yay america!

a fine recipe

roommate mojitos:
sunkist, vodka, beer, spinach
yes, i said spinach